Donut Ordering Guide 2024 (UPDATED)

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Donuts have been in the world for many years. Made out of dough, they are sure to delight even the most delicate of mouths. There are full shops dedicated to these things and today we will break down how to navigate the counter and avoid some of the common holes of ordering donuts in the modern day.

Glazed donut:

This is seen as the industry standard donut in many circles. There’s nothing wrong with this donut and should therefore have no critics. One of the only issues is how food writers will say “this is the non-pretentious, no frills choice.” “The everyman’s choice.” “The working girl’s donut”. This is annoying and slightly cringe. It is simply just a donut and they don’t need personification. Don’t try to make this more than what it is.

10/10

Glazed donut hole:

If the glazed donut was Adam, the donut hole is Eve. This donut hole is happy despite the world having other plans. She wants to love again, like she knows she can, like she knows she is meant to love. Her flowers beg for water as she dances alongside her sunbathed kitchen. Taking that familiar spot at the sink, like a manager embracing the humdrum of the cubicle, she plants her hands firmly on the cold porcelain and pleads with her mind to permit her to frolic in the meadows of thought. Lately, staring out that window has felt more like gazing in the eye of possibility. Feeling his warm hug, the sun winks at her, melting the glaze from her small fried body. The oils, once forgotten deep in her dough, bubble to the surface akin to an untamed stallion. A deafening silence shrouds the room and she realizes what she’s known all along: She will always be a part of him, no matter how many lives have been lived. …and maybe that’s okay. …Maybe things will be okay.

9.5/10

Chocolate covered glazed:

This is a glazed donut but it has a chocolate circle on top. This is the second best donut for drawing a picture of and a donut even better for eating. I would suggest getting this donut in addition to the glazed. Order the glazed first since this donut will naturally take the spotlight.

9.9/10

Chocolate covered non-glazed:

I wouldn’t bother getting this from a donut shop but when you’re presented with a 12 pack in an office setting, go ahead and take this one first. Whatever you do, do not take the glazed in an office setting first. People will always go for themed donuts first, then the chocolate covered non-glazed, then glazed last. This ensures there will always be a glazed avail. Get chocolate covered non-glazed before the novelty donuts are gone and before you move into your glazed.

9/10

Blueberry cake:

This is unfortunately an extremely good choice but we’re not allowed to order it. If we were permitted to get a third donut this would be it. The times where we can have this is when your friend orders three donuts and can’t finish this one and gives you half. Or an office setting. It’s unfortunate but it is what it is.

10/10

Bearclaw:

I don’t know what this is and I am not sure a lot of folks do. I will rate this a 4/10 and assume the people getting it are unhappy.

5?/10

Sugar donut:

Avoid

0/10

The Glazed but in the figure 8 twist:

If you say, “can I have a side of ranch” when you order your pizza then this is the donut for you. If a donut could wear a hat, the hat would be backward. A solid 10/10 donut. Love this and everything it is. The bad boy of donuts. Says the Pilot G2 is the best pen.

10/10

Crueler:

This is not a donut worth your attention.

?/10 (projected rating coming soon)

Maple bar:

See above

?/10 (projected rating: 1/10)

Strawberry frosted:

Good for a joke & drawing only. Do not eat.

Rating n/a since not for eating

Apple fritter:

This is a cousin of donut. If you already have a friend ordering an apple fritter, you are not going to be able to do this. Wait until they move to France and then establish the apple fritter as your new donut. 

4/10

Filled donuts (general):

This is an afternoon donut. We want to avoid this generally, but if it has to be done, get your bearings and take a seat inside. I will detail this more in part 2

Rating coming soon